Deepening Intimacy in Your Relationship

One of my clients recently asked me how she could deepen the intimacy in her relationship.  This got me to thinking, "Wouldn't it be nice to have a step-by-step guide to intimacy?"  Here are some steps I think might be useful.

• Self-Awareness

• Communication

• Listening Empathically

• Repair

• Time Together/Time Apart

• Working as a Team

Self-Awareness is actually harder than it sounds.  I think we all go through life unconsciously repeating patterns.  The question is, "How do you improve your relationship with yourself?"  "How can you feel more present in your own life?  Self-awareness means understanding yourself without judgement.  This involves knowing how you're feeling at any given moment, understanding your relationship patterns, and understanding your hot button issues and how to handle them when they're being pushed.  Two good ways to improve self-awareness include individual and/or group therapy and writing in a journal daily. Sometimes I give people the homework assignment of setting the alarm on their phones to go off four times a day.  The specific times don't matter.  When the phone goes off, ask yourself the following questions: "What am I feeling?" "Why?" and "What do I want?"  This simple check-in increases your emotional awareness in the moment.

Deepening your self-understanding is a prerequisite to sharing yourself with someone else.  Sharing yourself with someone does not necessarily involve disclosing deep, dark secrets.  It involves being present with yourself and what you're feeling in the moment, with someone else.  Good communication involves blurting diplomatically.  In other words, thoughtfully sharing what you're thinking or feeling in the moment as appropriate.   In addition, having really good boundaries, and being comfortable saying "no" when you need or want to, goes a long way in helping you feel comfortable in your own skin around the other person.  Self-betrayal. or crossing your own boundaries, just breeds resentment.  

Listening empathically involves paying attention to your partner and trying to really understand what they're saying and how they're feeling, even if it makes you uncomfortable.  Unless someone asks for advice, don't give it.  Statements that reflect feelings are much more supportive and tend to deepen the connection. 

M favorite of these steps, and I think the most important one, is repair.  Hurting someones feelings happens regularly in relationships.  It may not be what we're shooting for, but it can't be avoided.  This is where repair comes in.  If hurts go unaddressed over time, they start to poke holes in the foundation of the relationship.  If you're partner is hurt by something you did or said, even if that was not your intent, acknowledge their feelings and apologize.  Explanation is OK, but only after you've said "I'm sorry."  This process goes a long way towards rebuilding trust and maintaining a strong foundation.

Balancing time together and time apart is good for the relationship.  I'm thinking of a tree metaphor.  Time together is about deepening the connection, or building roots, while time apart develops the limbs and enriches the crown.  Time apart keeps things fresh and new between you.  A tree can't thrive without both.

And then of course there's working as a team , or maintaining a united front.  This is especially important if you have children. Children need to know they can't divide and conquer (but that's another topic).  This step is the belief that your partner has your back in all interactions with the outside world.  Nothing and no-one can come between you.  It feels like an imaginary boundary that separates the two of you from the rest of the world.  It's not rigid, and both people can have their own relationships, but it is secure.

I've tried to keep it short, but there's so much more to say.  Let me know what you think. 

The Importance of Making Mistakes

If you haven't made many mistakes in your life, you haven't taken enough risks. And if you haven't risked much, you aren't reaching your creative potential.  The problem could be a fear of failure, because in our minds mistakes = failure, and all that comes with it.

A few years ago, I started thinking that I wanted to add another dimension to my practice. I thought through a number of ideas, read various articles and books, talked to colleagues, procrastinated, stalled out, felt confused, etc.  My goals at the time were vague.  I wanted to do more, take the work to another level, have a new creative challenge.  But what?  It was a time of false starts, dead ends, and disappointments. The process, though incredibly frustrating, has taught me a lot about how to learn from mistakes.

One of these mistakes was choosing to go on a local news show once/month to briefly talk about a psychological concept.  I feel embarrassed just writing about it.  I tried to keep it light (it was weekend morning news after all), but I was anxious, and I never got to communicate what I really wanted to, and it was very early in the morning, and it was awful.  But...what I realized through that experience was that I really do want to bring psychology to people where they live and work, not just wait for them to come to my office.  A big, uncomfortable step.

Fortunately, I have my share of these type of experiences that when sorted through make adding business consulting to my portfolio an obvious and exciting choice.  So join me in taking a risk. 

Understanding Strong, Sometimes Irrational Reactions to Co-Workers and Business Partners

This has been a theme in my practice over the years.  Sometimes a client will come in with what feels like an allergy to their co-worker or business partner.  Sure, their co-worker may display some annoying behaviors, but why are they reacting so intensely? Reactions can include increased stress or anxiety, physical symptoms, anger outbursts, or depression.  What's going on?  

The first step is to assess the current relationship.  Ask yourself questions like:  "Am I reacting to something in the present?"  "Am I being treated respectfully and fairly?" "Does my coworker appear to have a negative, hidden agenda that I'm picking up on?  "Is this environment a good fit for me?"  Now you have a choice to make.  Do the answers to these questions give you more of a sense of clarity, as well as some ideas about how to proceed, or not.  If not, read on.

Step two involves self-assessment.  Good questions to ask yourself are:  "Have you ever felt this way before?"  "Does this person remind you of someone who has strongly influenced you?"  "Does this person remind you of some aspects of yourself that you strongly dislike?"   When reflecting on these questions, try to recall a specific memory or time that feels similar.  Talk to a trusted friend or journal about that experience, person, or unacceptable part of yourself.  Let yourself stew about it for a couple of days and see where it takes you emotionally.  Making sense out of your reactions allows you to take control of your behavior and allows you to make good decisions about how to negotiate future encounters.

Fostering Creativity in the Workplace

How do we foster that creative edge among employees?   

Creative performance and productivity are directly related to the quality of the organizational culture.  A positive culture fosters clear, direct, open communication.  It increases job satisfaction which, in turn, contributes to employee investment and commitment.  

For it to be effective, organizational culture has to be created and maintained from the top, and has to be part of the mission statement of the company.  Employees need to believe they are valued to contribute at a deeper level.  

3 Key Steps:

1. Fostering Communication:  Communication should be fostered in all directions both formally and informally.  Formal communication policies can include 360 degree performance evaluations, in which employees are also required to give constructive feedback to managers.  Managers can hold "office hours" on a regular basis to encourage drop in work-related conversations.
2. Identifying and Nurturing Employee Strengths and Interests within the Company. 
3. Explicitly Rewarding the Behavior You Want To See:  The culture of secrecy around rewards/incentives (raises, bonuses, promotions, etc.) doesn't foster motivation.   It is important to make the link between specific behaviors/outcomes and incentives explicit. Create clear pathways for people to follow, and make individual achievements and rewards public within the company.